


I'm Only Living When I'm With You

by dawseyscaptain



Category: Chicago Fire, Chicago Med, Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:27:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23983066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dawseyscaptain/pseuds/dawseyscaptain
Summary: A continuation of 8x09.
Relationships: Gabriela Dawson & Leslie Shay, Gabriela Dawson/Leslie Shay, Matthew Casey/Gabriela Dawson, Matthew Casey/Gabriela Dawson/Kelly Severide, Matthew Casey/Kelly Severide
Comments: 3
Kudos: 29





	I'm Only Living When I'm With You

He replayed her voicemail probably a thousand times in the last two hours, her words filling the quiet office like a broken record.

_ There will always be room in my tent for you, Matt Casey. _

He wanted to ask her to stay, but that would be like asking her to give up everything she's worked so hard for.

So, there he sat, listening to her soft voice like a lullaby. Holding her again,  _ seeing  _ her, felt so right. He wanted so badly to freeze time and stay there with her just a little longer - dance with her, sleep next to her, listening to her soft snoring, just a little longer.

Tapping on the door knocked him from his thoughts, his fellow smoke-eater leaning against the door with a slight smirk on his face.

"The walls may be made of brick, but they're not soundproof."

Matt chuckled lightly and looked down at his lap, tossing his phone on the desk, "Sorry, man. I guess I'm still a little…you know what, never mind. You don't want to hear about any more drama."

Kelly moved to sit on Matt's bed, throwing his feet up and resting his hands behind his head, "Oh, c'mon. I'm all for a little bit of Dawsey drama."

Just like Matt had done for him plenty of times before, Kelly peeled Matt off the bar top at Molly's after Gabby moved out. He cleaned up shards of glass and wood from broken picture frames off the floor of his house after the divorce papers were filed, pictures of the once happy couple now in pieces, just like Matt's heart.

He did everything he could to make sure his best friend didn't succumb to the pain.

"After the fundraiser, we slept together."

Kelly heard the double meaning behind the words and nodded curtly. He was a little on edge after hearing that Dawson showed up at the firehouse, shaking 51 at the core. They all had a soft spot for the tiny brunette, but they knew how much her leaving had crushed their Captain. It was a game of tug of war and neither side was winning.

"How was it?" Kelly quickly realized the misunderstanding of his words at the look of disgust on Matt's face, "God, man. We're best friends, but we're not women. I meant, being with her again?"

Matt answered his question with a smile and a few simple, but heavy, words.

"It felt like things were right in the world again."

The sex was incredible like it always had been, but this time, it was like the very first. They threw everything they had into it, no worry about whether they would hurt each other again or the constant reminder that there was a world outside the hotel room that they had to return to once the sun came up.

They needed each other and they knew it. It wasn't and never would be a mistake.

"So, why are you here right now?"

Matt raised an eyebrow and looked around his office, "Because I work here."

Kelly threw his head back with a throaty laugh, "Yeah, I know that, but why aren't you at the airport stopping the woman you love from leaving?"

_ This is just a job. What we have is everything. _

Her words from the night at Molly's echoed in his head, along with a million memories flashing before his eyes.

He didn't know why he left before she woke. Maybe he should've called in sick and stayed with her and smelled her strawberry shampoo and watched her chest rise up and down with every breath, but he didn't and he was regretting it.

He wanted her back, more than anything, but she made her choice, and unfortunately, it wasn't him. Too much had been done to their relationship and no amount of damage control could fix it. He just wanted her to be happy and if that wasn't with him, then he'd have to live with that.

Matt sighs, shaking his head and glancing at the photo on his desk. Shay had secretly captured it and it proved just how in love they really were. They were caught up in a tickling match and he was winning, her hearty giggles dancing through his ears. It was one of his favorite memories - seeing her so carefree and comfortable, letting all the weight of the world slip from her shoulders, even if only for a few moments.

He didn't blame her for leaving, but he did blame himself. Maybe if he had handled it better, or made her let go of what she had been holding onto for so long, she'd still be with him.

It wasn't about having children, it was about having biological children. His children, their children. She felt guilty because she couldn't give him the one thing he's always wanted, but after having her and then losing her, she was the only thing he ever wanted. He would give up everything just to have her.

Kelly saw the wheels turning in Matt's head and he figured he'd hit the target. Despite holding a little resentment against Gabby for running from her problem, he knew she didn't think she had another choice. It wasn't just Matt that got hurt in this situation.

_ She _ lost a baby, too.  _ She _ lost Louie, too.  _ She _ lost her fiancé, too.

One night, or early one morning, while he was still living with Matt and Gabby, he was getting home from a late night at the bar and heard loud sobbing coming from her and Matt's bedroom. He knew Matt was away for the night on a construction job, so she was alone. He crept down the hallway and peeked through the cracked bedroom door to see her on the floor with her knees to her chest, clutching onto Shay's necklace, begging their fallen friend to take away the hurt in her heart.

He sat next to her and held her to his chest, shushing her loud wails until they were nothing but whimpers in a restless sleep. She thanked him when she woke up hours later as he held her hair while she retched the two bottles of wine she had consumed into the toilet. He insisted he didn't need a thank you because he would do it again in a heartbeat. He hesitated when she pleaded for him to not tell Matt, and he didn't, but he wished he had.

She helped him countless times before and he should've done the same.

"Because asking her to come back to a town full of reminders of everything she's lost would make me exactly like what she's running from."

He should've made her stay, should've convinced her that things would get better,  _ they  _ would get better. He didn't know that though, and he couldn't convince her if he wasn't sure himself.

Kelly gripped his shoulder in comfort, assuring him that he understood. He knew that while Matt did everything in his power to make Gabby stay, she had to choose on her own without any hesitation or resentment. He hoped that after a few weeks apart from Matt that she would come back, but weeks turned into months and months turned into a year, with no sign of Gabby in Chicago.

"Maybe you should show her that she doesn't need to run anymore."

He stood from the bed, throwing Matt a look before exiting the office, leaving the Captain of 51 with a lot to think about.

Kelly's words left a ringing in Matt's head. He would leave everything in Chicago if it meant that he could be with Gabby again, but he was afraid. He couldn't put into words what he was afraid of, though. Was he afraid she would resent him for keeping her here? Was he afraid that she was ready to move on from him? He had no idea.

Something was telling him to find out anyway. If he got rejected, he would know where her heart stands. If she resented him, then he would let her go for good. All he knew was that he wasn't going down without a fight. He promised her that he would fight tooth and nail for her, no matter the cost.

So, that's what he was going to do.

He hurriedly grabbed his Captain jacket and threw his office door shut with a slam, shuffling into the common room and alerting his men, but not without bumping into Kelly square in the chest.

"Woah, Sonic the Hedgehog," Kelly chuckled, "The bell was for ambo. Why're you in such a hurry?"

Matt exhaled deeply with a confident, yet slightly frightened smile.

"I'm gonna go get my girl."

Jaws dropped and metal utensils clanked as they hit the table, Matt's declaration forcefully interrupting breakfast at 51. Kelly triumphantly pounded his fist in the air with a throaty laugh, the rest of the guys joining in with cheers of their own.

"Hermann, keep watch for me. Tell Chief an hour tops," Matt commanded as Hermann agreed happily, clapping him on the back.

Matt laughed excitedly, his hands shaking violently in the pockets of his jacket as he desperately searched for his keys.

"Captain, catch," Kelly shouted as he tossed the keys to his Mustang into Matt's hands, "That plane won't wait forever. Just don't wreck it. I got the paint touched up yesterday,"

Matt shot him a grateful nod and ran out like a little boy on Christmas morning. The chill of the apparatus floor hit him like a brick wall as he staggered through the obstacle course of boots and uniforms. The garage door began to rise, alerting him that the ambo was returning from the call.

"You in a hurry, Lieutenant?" Foster called out from the driver's side as she backed the rig into the garage, Brett throwing her radio on the dashboard. Matt jogged to the window, glancing at the time on his watch.

Her plane wasn't meant to board for another hour - he had a few minutes.

"Sylvie," Matt cleared his throat, hoping to brush away some of his nerves, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

He never used her first name, unless it was about something personal and those conversations were usually left until they were off of shift. A sinking feeling in her stomach gave her the idea what this was about, but she would hear him out anyway.

The moment Matt met Gabby's eyes at the end of the driveway when she first arrived in Chicago, she knew it was over, whatever  _ it  _ was that was happening between them. She wasn't blind to the fact that Matthew Casey only had eyes for Gabriela Dawson, no matter how many sparks flew between them, if there were any at all.

She only wished they could've had more time together.

"Yeah," Sylvie cleared her throat and escaped the thoughts running through her head, "What's up?"

Matt sighed, running a hand through his tousled blonde hair, "I just wanted to come to you first before you heard it from everyone inside. I'm going to get Gabby."

"I know."

"You know?"

Sylvie chuckled sadly as she stared at her feet, blinking away the tears that began to form along the brims of her eyes. She wanted more than anything to pause time and press rewind, in hopes that she could've found the moment that she started to fall for him and erase the feelings, but she was grateful for all of it.

"You are your happiest when you're with her, Matt."

Her words have never been more true. It was a running joke that the only person in the firehouse loved more than Pouch and Tuesday was Gabby Dawson, but in all reality, it was no joke. She was the heart of 51, the glue that held it together, and sometimes, they forgot that. They forgot that she was human, too. She had her problems and feelings, but she bottled it up just so she could focus on helping someone else.

That's just who she was, and it made him fall even harder for her.

"I'm sorry, Sylvie. It wasn't fair to you to drag this on when I knew that I'm still in love with Gabby."

She gripped his bicep gently as a silent reassurance that she understood, "Go, Matt. It's okay."

He planted a soft kiss to her cheek with a murmur of a 'thank you' before jetting off down the driveway, waving back to the two paramedics as he scrambled into Kelly's car and sped away, the tires screeching as they peeled away from the curb.

Foster's slender arm circled Sylvie's shoulders as she stood watching Matt drive away, "That was a good thing you did."

"They love each other. What kind of friend would I be to stand in the way of that?"

* * *

_ "Flight 1382 to San Juan now boarding. I repeat, flight 1382 to San Juan now boarding." _

Matt's heart pounded violently in his chest as he pummeled his way through the crowded airport, reminding himself to ice his shoulders when he got home. He knew he was running out of time and he urged his feet to move faster, but he'd rather not break his legs by tripping over suitcases, so he settled for getting cursed at for bumping into the irritated travelers.

Just as he reached the entrance to the flight gate, he was halted by a TSA agent, "Sir, you can't go any farther. The plane door has been sealed and we're not boarding any more passengers. You can consult with one of our employees at the ticket desk to board another flight."

"Please, ma'am," he begged her with glossy eyes, "My girl is on that plane and I need to tell her I love her."

"Pulling a Ross and Rachel, are we now?" She tittered with apologetic eyes, "I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do."

He cursed himself and thanked the woman for what little help she was able to give him before glancing out the window at the plane in the sky that carried the love of his life off into the clouds. He turned away with slumped shoulders as he pulled his jacket tighter around in him for a small sense of comfort, trudging back into the swarm of tourists.

Maybe this was how their story was supposed to end.

A firm, but sympathetic grip on his shoulder startled him for a split second as he turned back to see the woman with a smile of solace resting on her jaw.

"When a girl is loved, she always knows."

* * *

Shifting the gear into park as he pulled against the curb of the firehouse, Matt laid his head against the headrest, blinking away the trace of redness in his eyes from the tears he shed on the way back from the airport. He knew if he walked into the house looking like someone just ran over his dog, they'd never leave him alone. With a heavy sigh, he turned off the car and got out, shutting the door behind him and walked up the driveway.

The shift had been quiet all morning, so it was no shock to him that the trucks and the ambo were still parked in the garage. Squad was nowhere to be found, but after glancing at his watch ticking at half past noon, he realized they were probably inside eating lunch.

Matt wasn't ready for the ambush of questions that he was sure would come, so he kept his head down as he pulled open the door to the entryway leading to the common room, his body sending him goosebumps of gratitude as the heat soon began to warm his chilled body.

He expected the sound of forks clanking against plates and Cruz bickering back and forth with Mouch, but all that hit his ears was silence, which was a little unnerving, but further reassured that he could slip into his office without anyone noticing.

Pulling out his phone and scrolling through his contacts, he tapped on her name and pressed the number, having to settle with telling her over the phone just how much he wishes she would've stayed.

_ This is Gabby Dawson. You know what to do. _

"Hey, Gabby. Um, I'm not sure where to start or what to say at all, and I don't want to leave this kind of message on your answering machine, so call me back when you get this message."

He hoped she wouldn't do what he did to her and leave the message unanswered.

Walking past the common room, he avoided making eye contact with anyone, keeping his head forward and picking up the pace, only to be halted by seven little words.

"I heard you were looking for me."

Turning around slowly, he came face to face with the love of his life once more. He couldn't get his feet to move towards her as if they were nailed into the tile floor, so he stood with shaking hands and a racing heart.

"You know, my joke all those years ago of us being Ross and Rachel wasn't meant to be taken literally."

A grin that was only reserved for her stretched across his lips at the giggle that escaped from hers, his legs beginning to take slow steps towards her, "The lady at the airport made a similar one when I told her my girl was on a plane and I needed to talk to her."

"Your girl?"

He closed the gap between them, taking the last steps to reach her. His hands grasped her damp cheeks as his thumbs wiped away the few tears that had fallen.

"Always."

* * *

As they lay on the bunk in his office surrounded by darkness, Gabby's unofficial and abrupt 'welcome home' party with the rest of the house being short-lived due to the fact that Matt wanted time alone with her, she traced shapes on his chest and listened to his heartbeat, the sound soothing any worries she had.

"I don't think we were ever meant to say goodbye."

Her whisper cuts through the silence and he lets her continue, holding back the chuckle at the thought of how long she had been waiting to speak, "When I left, I kept asking myself 'is this really the end?', but something in my head was telling me that we just found forever at the wrong time, and someday, time would pull us back together again."

He ran his fingers through her tousled hair as she spilled out the many thoughts in her mind, "You know who I think it was?"

"Your alter ego?" He quipped in reply, which earned him a gentle swat to the chest.

"I think it was Shay."

His heart twinged at her words, the memories of the former paramedic teasing them endlessly, but at the same time, cheering them on from the sidelines as their biggest fan. It was no secret that Shay was the first person to catch on to their adoration of each other and how deep their friendship went, and she was always the one to knock sense into them when they needed it.

He held his lips to the crown of her head, breathing in the strawberry shampoo he had reminisced about earlier in the day, "I think she's right. It wasn't our time then, but it is now."

The familiar words resonated in her head as the memories of their first morning together filled her thoughts. She had no idea back then that they would brave the heaviest of storms, but in a way, she was grateful for the thunder that shook the ground they walked on together because she knew from this point in time, they were ready to face anything that came their way.


End file.
